Forgiveness

Forgiveness
 
Matthew 6: 14-16
For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

My first step toward Jesus brought an incredible miracle of the birth and adoption of our precious daughter, Molly.  She was born on the first Sunday morning of January 1990.  I believe that God had prepared my heart for the change she would bring to my life by moving me to follow that church van to Smyrna First Methodist Church just a few months before.
 
While I could say that I was going to church during this time, I don’t think I really understood the commitment that God was wanting from me.  I heard the sermons and sang the songs but really didn’t receive all of what I know now was available from the Lord.  I am not sure that I even picked up the Bible to read it during this time.  I was a busy mother trying to work and raise my child, so reading the Bible was just not on my priority list.  I struggled with trying to keep everything going and have the right attitude when things didn’t work out as I planned. 

In September, before my daughter was three years old, I took another step that would forever change my life.  I chose to attend a different church which had just moved down the street from me. The pastor of this church had moved his congregation to this church.  He was just beginning to cast the vision for this new church and I was excited to be a part of what God was doing.  I found a loving community of believers who opened their arms to me and my daughter. 

However, this pastor also challenged me not to just go to church but to make Jesus the center of my life.  During this time, I recommitted my heart to Jesus and made Him Lord of my life.  From that moment on I experienced the Lord changing my heart in many ways.  I cried out to Him daily to help me be a good parent to the precious child that He had placed in my hands.  I often thought of myself as even tempered and very rarely became angry.  However, as a parent, I found there were some things that I couldn’t control and one of those things was time.   My attempt at an orderly life was often interrupted with the needs of a hungry, sleepy, or disobedient child. Sometimes instead of responding with the love and grace that Jesus had demonstrated to me, I reacted in anger.  I did not like what I saw in my heart, so I asked the Lord to change me. God began to do what I asked at that very minute. 

I began a special relationship with a lady named, Donna in this church.  I consider her my spiritual mother.  She taught a Sunday School class and I loved the way she was transparent with her struggles to be a good wife, mother and grandmother with God’s love evident in her life.  Donna began to give me Christian books to read and another friend at church told me about Christian radio.  I found that I was learning about the Lord even when I wasn’t in church.  It was a wonderful time of discovery that included reading the Bible and it came alive to me.  It wasn’t just a book of bible stories like I remembered reading as a child but was a book that taught me how to live my life. 

In January 1993 I began my first bible study called Experiencing God.  I was challenged by this book by Henry Blackaby to respond to the truth I read from God’s word. Blackaby said in this bible study, when God leads you to a fresh understanding of Himself or His ways through scripture, there are some things you need to do.  I have these things recorded in my journal. 

1. Write down the verses in a spiritual journal.
2. Meditate on the verses.
3. Study it to immerse yourself in the meaning of the verses.  What is God revealing about Himself, His purpose, or His ways?
4. Identify the adjustments you need to make in your personal life, your family, your church, and your work, so that God can work that way with you.
5. Write a prayer to God asking Him to make the necessary adjustment in your life.
6. Watch to see how God may use that truth about Himself in your life during the day.

That January, I began my first journal and I have been journaling ever since.  I have followed this guide in writing over the years.  In fact, I have used my journals to help me write this book.  The scriptures, revelation, prayers, and answered prayers have filled over 45 volumes over the last 25 years.

In June 1993, I heard a message preached by my pastor at church that moved me to go to the front of the church, kneel and give everything to God.  In my mind, I am saying to God, “take my life, take out the things that need to be taken out, give me a new heart and use me for Your Glory.”  As I poured out my heart to God, I began to weep.  Right then it was as if, Jesus tapped me on the shoulder and said, “I forgave you. You must forgive”.  I knew that Jesus was saying I needed to forgive my dad.   I also had someone in my life, a son, that I had surrendered for adoption, and I wanted him to forgive me for what I’d done. If I wanted forgiveness from him, then I must forgive.  At that very moment, I made a choice to forgive. 

I took a step to extend forgiveness to my father by writing him a letter on the Father’s Day following this decision.  Within a week, I received back a letter from my father: my first and only letter from him.  I talked to my sister, Mary Jane and shared that I had forgiven my father and she let me know that she had also forgiven him and another one of my sisters, Tina, had forgiven my dad at about the same time I did.  I called my sister Tina and we decided to go visit our father. 
That summer in July my sister, Tina and I drove to Raleigh, NC to visit our dad.  After he and my mother divorced, he married again and had another child, a son.  It had been about 23 years since I had seen my dad.  I met his wife, son and grandson.  I am not sure he recognized me, and I barely recognized him because he had aged and had many health challenges.  What was amazing to me was the compassion and love I felt for this man.  As we talked to him I realized that I had missed out on having a father because I didn’t like the father I had.

He gave my sister, Tina and me a gift that day of an audio recording of his singing and playing the guitar.  This is one of my favorite memories of my dad and a gift that I cherish.  My love for music came from my dad.  After that visit in July, my dad passed away the following April.  I realized that forgiving my dad gave me the opportunity to make peace with him before he died. 

After choosing to forgive my dad, I noticed a change in my life.  One thing that drove me to seek the Lord’s help was that I would often get angry or disappointed when things didn’t happen the way I wanted them to happen.  I noticed that my reaction was different, when given the opportunity to get angry, I had more peace.  There was a direct relationship between forgiveness and my angry reactions.  Forgiveness is a key adjustment that God wanted to make in me to live out God’s love to others.